Deserving
by Azure K Mello
Summary: After Angel comes back from Hell Xander writes him a letter. slash
1. 1

Title: Deserving  
  
Pairing: Angel/Xander  
  
Time frame: Early season 3  
  
Part: 1/2  
  
Rated R for angst and cussing

* * *

Dear Angel,  
  
I told her to kill you. Are you shocked? I told her to kill you because I hated you. And I hated you because you never loved me.  
  
Did you ever tell her about us? Did you ever tell your precious slayer that you'd lived in Sunnydale for two years before she came? Or was she not interested in your past?  
  
I was your boy and you dropped me like a hot rock for her. I gave you two years of my life. I gave you my innocence, my blood. I told you all my fears and I listened to all your wonderful stories. Does she, even now, know you half as well as I did? Does she know that Whistler told you that she would come? That you lived her for two fucking years before the demon dropped in again to let you know that she had arrived? That life for you existed pre-Buffy?  
  
They thought I hated you. I did hate you. They don't know that it was because I loved you. They thought I was jealous that you got Buffy. My supposed friends were too blind to see that I didn't want her, don't ever want anybody but you.  
  
You never loved me. You told me you did but you were lying. You never lost your soul. No matter how much you said you loved me I couldn't give you a moment of happiness. Two hundred nights of passion weren't enough to rip the curse away from you. Was I ever good enough for you? Why wasn't I good enough for you?  
  
And when you came to the hospital. You called me Buffy's white knight. You mocked me for my weakness. But we weren't talking about Buffy were we? I just let you go, didn't I? I let you walk all over me and then you went after the new girl and I said nothing. Fuck, I befriended her. Because I somehow felt that I deserved what you did to me. I thought that maybe being friends with her would keep you and me connected. I am a loser. I didn't deserve you.  
  
And I don't need the book learnin' no more. I've hung around Giles enough to pick up the important stuff. Like cognitive dissonance. If you wrong someone you then justify it by telling yourself they deserved it. So, for instance, if you threw away someone who loved you to try and get into the pants of someone more powerful than yourself you would then tell yourself that your lover was a loser to begin with. No one ever viewed me as the Zeppo until you joined our "close knit" group. No one ever thought I was stupid and reliable. They thought I was funny, and cool in a geeky sort of a way. But then you turned up and made everything a competition. And you always beat me and made sure I came out in the worst light possible. I loved you and you ruined me because of it. You felt guilty for hurting me, for not loving me, and you needed a way to make it all acceptable. You put me in the worst light possible and made it impossible for them not to compare you and me. And I'm the loser right?  
  
I liked Angelus in a way. It was so fucking nice to see you uninhibited, unashamed of what you were. You were beautiful like that, you were hot in your joy and your revelry in your own wickedness. I didn't really like it when you killed Willow's fish. And I hated that you killed Miss Calendar. But you had restrained yourself for a hundred years. I couldn't hate you for acting on what you were. She was going to chain you again. I can understand what you did.  
  
Seeing you like that made me feel even more like a loser. I should have helped you free yourself. Buffy acted like it was so awful. But what was awful about seeing you happy? I tried so fucking hard to make you happy. You were always so miserable. And I strived to make you happy, to make you forget to feel ashamed for even just a minute. And what I worked on for two years she did in a night. She treated you like her pet vampire, like a tamed cat to patronize and preen over. I loved you for exactly who you were and never asked you to be anything else.  
  
You were everything to me. So why wasn't I anything to you? I just wanted your affection, you told me you loved me. My parents never did. You and Willow were the only ones. You told me once that you were proud of me. What wasn't a lie, Angel? It was my revenge. Wicked and pathetic as it might have been. I only ever wanted you and you wouldn't give me that.  
  
I didn't even really want you dead. I knew you wouldn't be dead long. The powers that love to fuck about wouldn't let go of their champion that easily. They see the good man you are. What I wanted was simple. I wanted to make you right. I couldn't make you happy but I could prove you right. I'm a loser, just like you wanted people to believe. I let my own lover die. There is no longer any doubt that I deserve your contempt. You no longer have to justify hating me. I killed you because you wouldn't love me.  
  
But I will always love you, will always belong to you.  
  
Your Xander 


	2. 2

Title: Deserving  
  
Pairing: Angel/Xander  
  
Time frame: Post "Enemies" before "Ear Shot". Not cannon after Enemies.  
  
Part: 2/2  
  
Rated R for angst and cussing and innuendo.  
  
Note: Xander for me will be eternally first season, all curls and endearing awkwardness.  
  
Feedback: Please, post it anywhere you like just so long as I get it!

* * *

Angel banged on the door with his fist clenched around the letter. Buffy had brought in his mail while dropping off some blood. She had tried to kiss him. He was angry. "Xander, are you home?" he called trying to keep his voice neutral.  
  
The door opened on a very tired looking Xander who gave Angel a rather pathetic attempt at a rueful smile. "Wow, you've come to me? I'm guessing you got the letter. Did you just come to rip me limb from limb? It is, after all, only fair."  
  
"Can I come in?" asked Angel without batting an eye. Xander just stepped back. Shaking his head Angel said, "I need a little more than that." Xander looked at him for a minute and walked away, further into the house. Angel leaned against the barrier to prove a point and fell right through the doorway. "You didn't disinvite me?" he asked with an air of astonishment.  
  
"You were never interested in me." Angel couldn't decide exactly what Xander was referring to so he didn't reply. "So why did you come now?"  
  
"How dare you?" asked Angel holding the letter out his resentment returned at Xander's bored tone. "How. Dare. You."  
  
"Quite a bit of daring went into writing that so which part are you asking about?"  
  
"You thought I lied to you?" asked Angel with anger in his voice. "You think I didn't love you? You think you weren't my whole fucking world? You tell me that you're the reason I died and I still love you."  
  
"What?" asked Xander feeling slightly sick.  
  
"You left me. You told me that you were sick of feeling like second string when compared to some little girl and you left!"  
  
"We had a fight. I went to the Bronze." Xander and Angel had shared an apartment for a year. His parents hadn't cared when their fifteen year old had told them he was moving out. They were too drunk to notice his absence and when he moved back into the house a little while after his sixteenth birthday they asked no question and acted as though he had never left. Willow had never come to his house often. His parent's scared her. No one knew where he lived. "I came back and you were having coffee with her at our kitchen table. So didn't cause a scene. I just left." Angel just shook his head sadly. "You loved me?"  
  
"You got one thing right in this fucking letter. You were my boy. You are my boy."  
  
"Angel," Xander said softly. "I didn't expect anything to happen. You're going away after graduation and I couldn't leave things that way."  
  
"I'm so sorry, Xan."  
  
"I didn't make you happy?" asked Xander fighting the tremble that wanted to add itself to his voice. He looked down not wanting to meet Angel's eyes.  
  
At his side in mere seconds Angel raised the boy's chin to look at him. "To have "a perfect moment of happiness" I needed to forget about everything but myself. When I was with you I was always thinking about you. I didn't want to hurt you, wanted to make you feel good, wanted to watch you when we were making love. I loved you too much to have that moment. I needed to be with someone who I didn't love. You made me feel content at all times. I wasn't completely disgusted at my very existence because of you. You loved me and you were so pure and you made me believe that I wasn't completely evil. You said that I was a vampire and not a man and to. . . what did you say? Oh yes, "get the fuck over it." And I laughed. You always made me laugh. And then I thought you'd left me. And then you were being friends with her. I didn't want her to have you. I didn't want you to be with anyone but me. So I made sure you would never be with her." His words trailed off.  
  
"By being with her yourself?" Xander cocked an eyebrow.  
  
"I was heartbroken, Xan, I had been broken by a child. I wasn't exactly thinking straight."  
  
"Well," said Xander with a little smile, "more straight than you had been."  
  
Wincing Angel said, "That one was just painful. . . So what are we gonna do? I love you. I've only ever loved you. You got me killed and I spent so much time showing off to get you to see me that you ended up feeling like I was trying to make you look bad." Xander just looked at him, not understanding. "I wasn't trying to make you look bad, Xand, I was trying to look better than Buffy. I was competing with her not you. I never even thought of it that way. I was never proving myself to anyone but you."  
  
"I fucked everything up." Xander's tone was soft. He felt tired by all of these revelations.  
  
"No, I should have made you realize every fucking day how important and dear you are. I never realized that I was making you feel secondary to some girl we hadn't even met. I was just so desperate for redemption, to be good enough for you, that I focused on the slayer in hopes of finding some goodness in myself through her. You're where my redemption lays. You are the only person I ever loved. Not Buffy, or Darla, or Dru, or Spike. Just you. Forgive me?"  
  
"I killed you, Gel."  
  
"Yeah, and I've wittingly put you through hell for nearly two years in hopes of driving you back to me. I think my betrayal might have been worse."  
  
"So we could really start over?" asked Xander with a small smile.  
  
Slowly Angel shook his head, "Uh-uh, no." Xander felt like a deflated balloon. "I'm not erasing those two perfect years we had. We're gonna pick up where we left off. We're certainly not starting fresh. After all, if we started over I wouldn't know to do this." He leaned in close and bit Xander's lower lip and ran his ring finger down behind the boy's ear with careful pressure. His other arm held the boy up as the mortal's legs turned to jelly. "Come home with me?"  
  
Feeling like he was flying Xander nodded, not trusting his voice. And he added softly, "Love you."  
  
"I love you too, Xan." Angel said as he pulled the boy to him and rested his nose in the crook of the boy's neck. His love always smelled so good. But something smelled distinctly different. After a few moments Angel had figured out what was wrong and said, "Home, now." He ran a finger over an oddly scared human neck, "I need to fix this."  
  
Xander wrote the shortest note ever in the history of short notes, telling his parents he was gone. And within five minutes they were falling into the apartment. Angel pushed Xander's jacket from the boy's shoulders as he continued to kiss the boy breathless. He toed off his shoes and smiled at Xander's flushed face. "So good to be home." The boy muttered as he walked backwards towards their bedroom. Damp musk hit his nose and he could tell that no one had been in the room for a long time.  
  
"Couldn't bare being in here without you." Angel shrugged as Xander turned them slightly. The mortal kicked the door shut and pushed Angel back, on to the big bed. He was insanely pleased that Angel hadn't used this bed, that Buffy had never seen this room, their bedroom. He sat in the immortal's lap and kissed him for all he was worth. Angel ran another finger over his throat and said, "What the hell were you thinking when you did that?"  
  
Looking down Xander muttered something Angel couldn't hear. With a heavy sigh Angel trained the boy's face so that Xander had to look at him. "I was trying to be adult." Angel just looked at him, not understanding. "I thought you didn't want me. I thought that you didn't care enough to take the mark off me yourself so I did it for you."  
  
Angel thought he might swallow his own tongue. When a vampire chose a mate they would mark the human. The mark made the wearer immortal. The person was still human, not a vampire, they just didn't die. They had the same strengths as vampires and none of their weaknesses. Only one human could wear a vampire's mark at any given time. Upon removing the mark that human would revert to their mortal state.  
  
"I thought you didn't want me. But I wanted you to be happy, I didn't want you to be alone. So I found the ritual in a book and did it myself. I unmade myself. Nearly slit my own throat. But I just wanted you to be happy." The young man looked down at his hands ashamed of the tears that were starting to fall. "And then you lost your soul. And I was so angry. I was so upset. I thought that I'd nearly bled to death for someone who I meant nothing to." His words failed him and he sat in the vampire's arms silently. He rubbed his neck, it used to be a comforting action. Whenever the kid got nervous he would rub Angel's mark and feel safe and wanted. Now the movement seemed desperate, as though he were searching for something lost. He sought for reassurance that would not be found.  
  
For his part Angel was stunned. His boy had nearly died while trying to give Angel something that the immortal didn't want, freedom. Angel held the boy tightly. He felt the tears falling down his own face. After nearly three hundred years of living he was shocked that he could still cry. But here a mortal had him feeling rent. A human boy living in the most dangerous town on earth had given up his safety for the happiness of someone he couldn't even talk to. "You gave up immortality for me?"  
  
"I didn't want immortality without you," came the muffled reply from his shoulder. "There was no point without you, Gelus." He felt himself being moved though he kept his eyes closed as he wept. He didn't want to see Angel witnessing his weakness. "I'm sorry." He wasn't sure whet he was apologizing for.  
  
For his part Angel was stunned at how easily the old nickname had fallen off of Xander's lips. The boy had seen the real Angelus and yet he continued to use the pet name that Spike had coined over a hundred years ago. Xander had found a letter Spike had written and had called Angel "Gelus" ever since. "Hush now," Angel said as he lay the boy on his back. Removing that hand that Xander was still rubbing his neck with, Angel placed delicate soothing kissed over the inflamed, red skin. He straddled Xander's hips and leaned over to whisper in the boy's ear. "If you ever try to unmake yourself again I'll kill you." Xander believed him and it made the boy smile. Angel wanted him. "If," Angel said softly, "you ever want that ask me. Don't do it by yourself. Don't kill yourself just to get away from me." Xander just nodded and kissed the hand that stroked his face. Angel's voice became monotone as he asked softly. "Do you accept your destiny?"  
  
"Yes." Xander couldn't help but squirm at the cool breath on his ear.  
  
"Do you understand your destiny?"  
  
"Yes," Xander tried to take the ceremony seriously but Angel's hands were wandering.  
  
"Do you desire your destiny?" asked Angel with the hint of a smirk.  
  
"Yes." Xander arched up against Angel as the vampire bit into him. The blissful pain was mixed with warmth as Angel lapped at the wound. A claiming bit doesn't consist of sucking blood. The human needs the vampire's spit to enter their veins. Vampiric saliva is filled with immortality and healing power. The words Angel had spoken were actually part of a ritual. The magic held within those words forced Xander's blood to recede, the vacuum created pulled Angel's saliva into the boy's body. It was kinda gross if you thought about it. But Xander wasn't thinking about it; he wasn't thinking about anything but the man hovering above him.  
  
"Close the circle," Angel said in a breathy voice. Human teeth ripped into his neck and he sighed at the warm feeling. Being this close to his Xand always made him feel human. The boy was pure warmth and energy. "My beautiful boy. What were you thinking, walking around a Hellmouth without any safety net? Mental." He shook his head wryly. "Never again, you hear? This claim makes you stronger than any slayer. You're mine, part of me. Mine and no one else's." It was true. Without Angel's permission no one was even allowed to touch the boy. Had his lover been anyone else Angel would have been inclined to enforce this rule. But Xander had received so little physical contact in his life that Angel would have felt badly imposing the rule on his boy. He couldn't deny the boy the corporeal affection of people like Willow.  
  
It was clear that Xander had been thinking along the same lines when the boy asked suddenly, "Giles gonna lose his hand the next time he touches my shoulder?"  
  
After thinking for close to a minute Angel said, "As long as nothing happens no one'll lose a hand. But anyone who does anything untoward had better watch themselves." Xander smiled and leaned up to kiss Angel but Angel turned his head slightly. "I have a confession."  
  
"Do you want a priest?" asked Xander with a wry smile.  
  
"No, you're the only one I feel culpable to now." Angel kissed his love's forehead, he loved the boy's hairline. "I've done too much to expect forgiveness from Him."  
  
Xander tightened his hold to make Angel know he was there. "If this is. . . I don't blame you for anything you did when you didn't have a soul. It's like a person on Lithium on a sunny day. One of my uncles is on it and if he gets dehydrated he goes slightly mad. You lost your way for a little while, got a little too much Lithium in your blood, but it's forgivable. Unfortunate but easily forgivable."  
  
"I had my soul. I knew what I was doing. I did something bad. But I don't regret it. That's why you need to know. If the chance arose again I would do it all the same in a heartbeat." Angel's words fell quickly out of his mouth and he sounded a lot like his lover, "The other day we were discussing where Faith might be, what she's doing, how she's preparing to help the mayor. But she's not doing anything."  
  
Wide eyed, Xander said, "You ran her out of town?"  
  
A long silence flowed between the pair. "I killed her. Think about it. Have you seen her since. . . the night I punched you? She tried to . . . hurt you, rape you. I was so enraged. And afterwards I wanted to hold you but instead I just left. She nearly killed you and I didn't even have the guts to try and hold you! And then I punched you in the face while pretending to be evil and I wanted to kill myself. And she thought I was evil, she started talking about you, about that night. I felt my cold, dead blood boiling. Buffy and I finished the plan, got the information and I went back to kill her. And I did just that. Nothing fancy, no torture. I just eliminated the threat. She hurt you, mine. I didn't realize that you weren't mine and even if I had known I still would have done it. I'm sorry."  
  
The silence made another brief appearance before Xander started laughing, "I'm going to hell."  
  
"What? No, I killed her. It's not your fault!" Angel instantly tried to protect his boy.  
  
"Yeah but the first thought in my head was that you were taking care of me when we weren't together. I don't care that you killed her. I'm pleased. I was scared witless about her. I can't blame you for protecting me. I like that you did." He smiled slightly, "Hell?"  
  
"Maybe," said Angel with a worried nod, "I'll save you a seat on the train."  
  
"Any more confessions or can I kiss you now?" asked Xander and in reply Angel sealed their mouths together. He started pulling clothes off their body and Angel broke away to let the boy breath.  
  
"As badly as I want you, and believe me I want you more than I can stand, I think we should get some sleep. It's late and you have school in the morning."  
  
"Oh God! How will I explain this?" asked Xander gingerly touching his neck. "And this," he said as he reached out to stroke Angel's matching mark. "We have a Scooby's meeting after school. You're expected to be there."  
  
"You tell Buffy and Giles, during the school day, that you were attacked and that you're fine. You killed it. When I come I'll smirk a bit. When they start in on you again (which they will, they'll gang up on you the way they do) I'll correct them. Saying that the vamp isn't dust and I'll congratulate you. They'll have to accept it."  
  
"What about you? Your mark? They'll figure it out."  
  
Angel thought for a second. He wanted to scream to the world that he belonged to the boy but if Buffy found out it was possible that things would end in a whole world of trouble. "I guess I'll have to cover it up. I don't want to. But I guess I'll wear a turtleneck." He paused and then said, "She knows we were once together."  
  
"What!!" Xander sat up forcing Angel to do the same or be hit by the boy's suddenly rocketing body.  
  
He settled on Xander's lap, straddling his hips as he spoke, "She asked me once, just once, about what I did before she came. She thought I had moved in specifically for her, not just that as a vamp I had been drawn to the Hellmouth. So I told her that I had lived with my lover. She never asked for anything more. And why would she do that?"  
  
"Because she wouldn't want her suspicions to be confirmed." Xander groaned and leaned his forehead against Angel's chest. "Why is stuff hard?"  
  
Angel just ran his fingers through the boy's hair. "She saw you pining, me mooning, and put two and two together. She's a clever girl underneath all of her veneer." He pulled at Xander's curls and kissed the boy's temple, "You look exhausted, love."  
  
It was the first of the long list of pet names that Angel had accumulated for his boy over the years. That pet name more than anything else made Xander feel like he had finally come home. They striped each other slowly, with lingering, feather light touches. "You have anything to do once I fall asleep?" asked Xander with a yawn.  
  
"Watch you, hold you, keep you safe with me," replied Angel.  
  
For one second Xander had been scared. The girls didn't discuss sex in front of him, they thought of Xander as an outsider when it came to that. But he had heard that Buffy had woken up alone. That had caused his one glimmer of hope. Angel was a cuddler, Angel never let Xander go while he slept. Xander had never woken up alone. And even though he knew that he was grasping at straws, he wanted to believe that Buffy had woken up alone because Angel didn't want to hold her, didn't care enough about her to keep her there. "Love you," whispered Xander as he fell into a deep and comfortable sleep.

* * *

"Xander?" said a soft voice, "Time to wake up, mine."  
  
"Go way," replied the sleepy teenager.  
  
Laughing Angel said, "Open you're eyes, Xan, it's time for school, you're running late."  
  
"Don't want to."  
  
"No?"  
  
"You won't be there when I open my eyes, I'd rather be asleep with you than awake and alone."  
  
He studied his human for a long time. He had always loved to play with Xander when the boy was asleep, he was always so honest. But now he was scared. Did Xander dream of him often? How badly had he hurt his boy? Subconscious minds make symbolic links much more easily than the waking person. Angel knew his psychology, he'd hung around Freud, the guy made him laugh. Sleep equals death, wakefulness equals life. Xander would have rather been dead than alone. He pulled his boy close and said softly, "You need to wake up. Need you to make love to me before you go off to school. It's been too long since I had you inside of me. Need that closeness, mine, need you to make me warm inside, make me feel human."  
  
Chocolate eyes opened and closed slowly. "Hey, you," he said sleepily. "You shouldn't say things like that when I need to leave for school in," he looked at his watch, "two hours? I thought it was gonna be later than that. Why are we awake?"  
  
"Want you," was the simple reply.  
  
Xander looked at him for a long moment before he said, "I need a shower, my love." Angel's face fell slightly but he nodded and loosened his arms from around the mortal. If his boy needed time he would give the lad as much time as he wanted. Eternity was a long time, Angel could give Xander months if the boy wanted them, years even. Xander stood and stretched and then he turned back to look at the vampire. Dark, golden tinted eyes drank in warm human flesh. "Aren't you coming? Warm, wet, slipper-" his words were cut off by cool lips as Angel practically sprung out of bed. Laughing Xander rest his forehead of Angel's for a minute, "That's my mate!"

* * *

Angel had been right. The others had seen his mark and had quickly swallowed his lie. In their eyes he could see that they only believed him because they had no time to interrogate him. Laughing he thought of each's response as he sat in Spanish, Buffy and Willow were in French. Buffy's eyebrow had risen when he told her he had killed his vampire assailant. Giles had examined his neck under the pretense of cleaning his glasses. And Willow had been less subtle. Pulling him into the nearest girl's bathroom she had locked the door behind herself. The lone occupant of the lavatories had given them an odd look and left quickly.  
  
"That mark," she had said, "disappeared two years ago and was replaced with a frightening scar so why is it suddenly back?" He had felt his jaw drop. "Do you think I'm blind, Xan?"  
  
"No," he had said looking away from her, trying to compose himself. "I got it back last night." She had given a small "humph" noise. "Willow, please, don't make this hard. I was hoping that I could count on you. When they find out they aren't going to be happy. Giles will be worried and over protective and Buffy. . ."  
  
"Of course you can count on me," she had said grudgingly.  
  
"Thank you. Oh," he said thinking of something else. "Remember a long time back when I said we shouldn't be so touchy in public?"  
  
She had spoken softly with a fake air of carelessness, "Because you belonged to Angel, you mean? Are we talking about back before Buffy came when you were "friends" and actually admitted to knowing each other? Back when you honestly thought that I didn't know? The days we don't talk about, the ones you pretend don't exist. Are we talking about that?"  
  
Shoulders slumped he had said dejectedly, "Yes those days. I think it's best we go back to that."  
  
"Because you belong to him again?"  
  
"Because I belong to him again," agreed Xander.  
  
"Were' you planning on ever telling us that you're married?"  
  
Still looking anywhere but at her face Xander had addressed the floor saying, "Angel's going to out me, as it were. He's going to point out that it's a claim not a wound."  
  
"And were you planning on pulling the wool over my eyes too and letting me think it was some random vampire? Or just Buffy's and Giles'?"  
  
"Yours too." If he had gotten that far being honest he had seen no reason to lie.  
  
"Well," she had said after a moment, "At least you're being frank about it," she shrugged ". . . I'm glad, Xan."  
  
He looked up, stunned at her words. "Thank you."  
  
"He made you happy, he he he protected you from your family when I couldn't do anything. You let him take care of you in a way that you never let anyone else. And he was good for you, treated you right. He sees you for what you are and it's about time that someone reminded you of that because you've forgotten and we're all too busy to remind you. Sometimes I wanted to just hold you but. . . I'm glad." She gave him a quick hug, "But remember that you could die from this."  
  
"He's my mate! Angel would never!-"  
  
"No," she cut him off laughing, "But Buffy's changed. She sent him to hell, and he won't have her back, and she's thrown herself into graduation. And if she finds out she might-"  
  
Xander could see that Willow was on the edge of tears, "I can take care of myself. I know the threat so does Angel, it'll all be ok, Will." He pulled her back into his arms and stroked her long red hair, "Nothing bad will happen. . . that was a stupid thing to say, wasn't it?"  
  
He smiled to himself as he sat conjugating Spanish verbs. Some things, people, you can count on forever. Of course Willow had known about them, she was always astute. He had always taken her amazing mind for granted and never tested her limits. Trust had been won between the pair at an early age and while things had been stressed between them recently the past was not lost. Willow would help him if she could and if she could not she would at least not be adding fuel to Buffy and Giles' fire. The fight could not be avoided but perhaps it could be subdued. There he sat, waiting with fear and anticipation for the last bell to ring.

* * *

Walking in ten minutes late, Angel was greeted with a scene that he had expected but had not welcomed. The group had yet to see him as he had entered through the stacks. Willow was sitting quietly as she spotted him she gave him a small weary smile. The chosen pair were ripping into his boy. And in turn he felt the great desire to rip into them. Foolish watcher with his child of a slayer. Angel felt guilty for what he had done to the girl. He had used her. Unconscious though it might have been he had exploited her. Used her to make himself forget his love, to make himself feel something, to keep her from Xander. He had fooled himself into believing that he shared the love she felt but really she was only a distraction. And as he threw himself into his "redemption" he had hurt the boy he loved. Angel wished he could take back the pain he had caused his love, wished he could take back the pain he was bound to inflict upon Buffy. But as he watched her there, shouting at her supposed best friend, he felt something within him harden. As Xander sunk back into the seat looking small, scared, and ashamed the vampire no longer cared about her pain.  
  
"Hello, what's going on?" he asked softly drawing attention away from his boy.  
  
"Xander was somewhere he shouldn't have been last night and nearly got killed!" said Buffy instantly walking over to Angel. He completely ignored her and just cocked his head at Xander.  
  
As a slow smug smile swept over Angel's face Giles addressed Xander again. "It was a truly stupid thing! You could have been killed!"  
  
"The vampire never came close to killing me!" Xander's harassed voice gave testament to how long the fight had been going on.  
  
"Amen!" Angel laughed.  
  
Buffy and Giles gave him odd looks and Willow took the opportunity to break into the conversation. "Xander is fine. Can't we all be grateful that we've been trained so well? How many humans could get away from a vampire? All Xander has is a bite, he's not dead, maimed or turned. That's of the serious good, we should be having a party not a, "let's get down on Xander," session."  
  
The slayer started open mouthed at the redhead. Where was the subservient girl she knew and loved? Before she had time to think of a reply Angel's laughter broke the silence. She had never heard him laugh like that before and now he had done it twice. It sounded like Xander's laugh, careless and happy. "Xander was never in any danger!"  
  
"Shut up, dead boy." Xander tempered his tone to sound sullen, scared, and filled with loathing. Angel laughed again this time, it seemed, out of shock.  
  
"Angel?" asked Buffy, "Were you there? Did you see them? Did you see Xander kill it? Did you kill it for him?"  
  
"I never saw Xander with a vampire, didn't see him kill one, and certainly didn't kill the one who dealt him that mark."  
  
"So why are you so sure that he wasn't in danger?" asked Giles.  
  
Xander cut in sounding desperate. "Angel, don't."  
  
"That's not a bite, it's a claim. The vampire meant him no harm. The vampire just wanted Xander." Angel started laughing, "Your boy's married. He did it of his own free will. That's a symbol of love," he turned to Xander with a huge smile, "Congratulations on your immortality." Buffy pulled a stake but Angel just shook his head, "He's human, Buffy, just a little more, but he's still completely Xander." He rolled his eyes as if completely disgusted at the idea but nearly laughed at the look Xander was giving him from under his beautiful eyelashes.  
  
"I feel sick," said Buffy leveling her glare at Xander.  
  
"How can you condemn him?" asked Angel coldly, "How can you possible judge him for loving a vampire?"  
  
"We were different," Buffy sounded wounded.  
  
"You're right," Angel said softly, "That mark is the most distinguished mark a human can carry. If (at the time of bonding) the vampire didn't love him, and if he didn't truly love the vampire, getting that mark would kill him. It would poison his blood instantly. You see, it's proof of the purest form of love, it's blind to actions, reasons, and repercussions. So you're right: it's a hell of a lot different from what we had. Their love is healthy." Angel turned away silently and walked out of the room.  
  
"Colour me uncomfortable," Xander said breaking the silence.  
  
Buffy snapped around and looked at him, "I'm still disgusted. You didn't trust us enough to be honest?"  
  
And suddenly Willow jumped in on his behalf. "Look at how you've acted. Xander, can I meet your mate?"  
  
With a smile Xander nodded, "I'd like that." He saw Buffy open her mouth and said, "No, Buffy, I'd like to keep my mate alive for as long as possible. After all when one of us dies the other does too." Giles gave a confirming nod to the look Buffy gave him, "You think I'm lying?" asked Xander, "That's sweet. I think this is the most honest I've ever been to you."  
  
"You've been lying for years to us all how can we trust you?" she asked coldly.  
  
"I knew," said Willow softly, "and after the way you've behaved are you surprised he hadn't told you? He got married and you're standing there judging him." Standing up she crossed the room and gave Xander a hug where he sat. "Give me a call later? Buffy and I are going to patrol now."  
  
Xander turned to Giles after the door shut behind the girls, Willow was still giving the blonde dirty looks. Head hung he said softly, "Can we just get this over with? You can be as harsh as you like, it's the only parental speech I'll get. My own parents don't care enough to notice. So be as scathing as you like, I'll only have to sit through one of these." He played with his fingers, he didn't want to see the disgust in Giles' eyes.  
  
The man remained silent for a moment and then sat down on the chair across the table from Xander's. "Are you doing this to spite Buffy?"  
  
Shocked Xander replied, "I wouldn't bind myself to a vamp to piss off the Buffster."  
  
"No," Giles shook his head slowly, "But you might bind yourself to Angel to spite her."   
  
Xander sighed, "This has nothing to do with Buffy." He went on to tell Giles the whole story from when he was fourteen to the present leaving no detail out. When he ended he asked softly, "Are you going to tell her?"  
  
The silence was deafening. Angry broken thoughts filtered through the watcher's mind. He had always known that Xander was a cynical and angry young man but he had never investigated, why? He had failed the boy. Xander had been living with a terrible secret and no one, save for Willow, had noticed. And had Giles ever investigated about the boy's home life? Why the boy was continually tired and hungry? Had Giles ever taken notice of how badly neglected the youth was? Years had past and nothing good ever happened for Xander. Now Giles owed it to him to ensure that one nice thing happened in his life. Xander looked to him as a father and it was time he acted like one. "No, of course I won't." Xander let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, "She can't know, Xander, she'll snap. She's under pressure with graduation and-"  
  
"I know," interrupted Xander, "Willow and me were talking about it."  
  
With a heavy sigh Giles placed his hand over Xander's on the table. "I'll take care of it. Don't worry. But you might want to consider-" he didn't want to say it. He didn't want Xander to think he was being pushed away.  
  
"Me and Angel are moving to LA after graduation. He wants to be a crime fighter in a big city. I might," he paused knowing how pleased Giles would be, "I'm gonna go to the community college there."  
  
"That's wonderful," said Giles softly, he reached out to touch Xander's face, "I'll take care of this. Don't worry. I hope you're happy. . ." he paused, "and I hope you're never so stupid as to cut off a claiming mark by yourself ever again."  
  
Laughing, Xander stood and walked out of the library feeling that his steps were lighter than they had been in years. For his part Giles dropped his head into his hands. What was he to do about his slayer? Her hardships and stress had caused her to jump into the deep end, now she was faltering. He had read all the watcher journals, he knew that the girl was bound to become ruthless and harshly rational seeing only black and white. He just hadn't realized how quickly it would happen and he feared what Buffy would do when she learned of her love's new life. For Xander was most certainly Angel's life. He had seen it in the vampire's eyes the moment the ancient had walked into the room. He was happy for the boys they deserved to be happy. Long ago he had forgiven Angel for Jenny's death, he knew that the vampire hated himself more than Giles ever could. With a heavy sigh he reached for a journal, somewhere in the dark past this must have happened before. Maybe he would learn something tonight. He felt sick at the realization that he was looking for a way to protect innocent people from the wrath of the woman meant to protect them.

* * *

It was late by the time he got home, ten thirty after a long day. Xander dropped his bag on the floor just inside the door. He could see Angel through the doorway reading by the fire. It had to be a hundred degrees outside yet Angel had a fire blazing in the hearth, the domesticity made Xander smile. He liked fires, they reminded him of camping when he was a kid, back when his parents used to be sober. Silently he crossed over the floor and went to sit at Angel's feet. The flickering light played on his face as Angel carded his fingers through the mortal's thick curls.  
  
"How was the rest of the "meeting"?" asked Angel softly.  
  
Xander said nothing for a long moment, he just rested his head against Angel's knee and thought about his response, "Willow is a good friend and Giles is a kind man. . ." His words stopped as he ran out of positive things to say. He looked up at the man with tears in his eyes, "Take me to bed and love me 'til I bleed?" Angel pulled the youth up into his lap and kissed Xander's temple.  
  
"I was proud of you today," whispered the vampire. He didn't push Xander for details. Deeply loyal to a fault it was killing Xander that one of his best friends was hating him.  
  
Xander had known that Buffy would be mad. And he knew that he deserved to have her hate him. He was almost glad that she had forsaken their friendship because of his shacking up with a vampire. This way was less painful then her knowing about Angel.  
  
Slowly Angel picked him up and carried him into their room undressing him as they went and making dirty little suggestions. 250 years gave a person time to perfect their comforting techniques, within two minutes Xander was incapable of any coherent thought. Within ten he was incapable of doing anything but cling to his lover. And a half hour after that the mortal was safely asleep in the vamp's arms.  
  
The older man watched his boy sleep and smiled. If Giles had told Xander not to worry about Buffy then the pair were safe. Giles would never break his word to one of his children. So Angel let himself fall asleep happy knowing that they would be alright after so much pain.

* * *

Wait a second, I finished a story? Hold the fucking presses this is front page news. 


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